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| The mirror in my room |
Disclaimer
You are reading this for one of three
reasons. You stumbled upon this blog by accident. You were referred
to this blog. Or you follow this blog. There is a very good chance
you may know a bit more about the background behind this post. With
all events in life, there are always two or more sides. I made the
decision to not discuss certain aspects publicly. While I'd love
very much for comments, I will delete anything identifying parties
involved and I will delete information that goes against this
respect. If you are looking for my perspective on past events, you
will mostly be disappointed. That said, I cannot post what I want to
post without making reference to certain events that took place.
That's the closest I'm going to get.
The reason why I'm doing this,
publicly, for the first time, is because I'm ready. I've not been
ready for a very long time. This goes beyond the time I climbed into
my car and took off to Kentucky. This goes back for at least a year,
possibly longer. I've not had the ability or the strength to stand
up and say what I needed to say. I couldn't say it to myself, let
alone to others. There is power in speaking out loud, even if no one
is listening. So, this is my voice, giving what I have been thinking
strength.
The Things You Leave Behind
In September of this year, I packed up
the most important possessions I had the room to pack, climbed into
my car, and drove from New York to Kentucky. I left behind my wife,
two cats that I will never see again, and so many possessions that I
simply didn't have the room to take. The items I left behind had
financial value or, more importantly, nostalgic value. Those items,
I'm to understand, have been tossed into a dumpster and are gone.
For me, I'm very visually based with nostalgia. As I have no sense
of smell, I often need to see something to spark a memory. And so
many of these memories are gone forever from my life. I left behind
people that were good friends or I thought they were good friends.
Some of them, decided to terminate their friendship for my departure,
others did not. I can still reach out to them. I can still talk to
them. But they live a good distance away.
I called my departure, “Pulling an
AJ” after a friend of mine who has done this before. Starting over
is not an easy process. In fact, the entire event has been hell on
earth. One of my friends, one of the few in a circle of friends that
disconnected entirely from me pointed out that I'd left one “helluva
mess” behind me. And be that what it may, there is absolutely no
one living on this planet that knows what kind of a mess I've been
dealing with but me. Because, at the end of the day, when everyone
is in bed, or everyone has gone home, there is only one person left.
That is me. I am the only thing that I cannot truly leave behind.
There are a few people who understand
the full scope of the “helluva mess” that I have been in and I
still am standing in the middle of. But, again, only I can see the
full picture and carry the burden of that full picture on my
shoulders. You might see that the sneakers I wear are worn, but you
would not know that they are over three years old and the only pair
of sneakers to my name. You wouldn't feel the lack of padding in
them. Nor would you be aware that I am now down to five pairs of
socks without holes in them. Only my roommates are aware of the fact
that I moved with no jackets and that the only jacket I have now was
a gift of charity. You would not know that my source of income has
dropped by a third and that even though I asked my dad for help with
gas money, I have not seen a full tank in my vehicle since the day I
arrived here. That I have a maxed out credit card on the verge of
defaulting and one credit card that is in default. Nor would anyone
have the slightest idea the battles I have had to fight in my own
head. I have been in utter hell, and I cannot begin to believe that
anyone would understand what I have gone through.
Thanksgiving Day was a tipping point
for me. Though I had a wonderful observed Thanksgiving Day earlier
in the week and a plate of food waiting for me after work, the day
was destroyed for me. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It is
the one day of the year in which you and loved ones can observe the
many things to be thankful for. And while I have many things to be
thankful for, it was the first time in thirty-three years that I
could not celebrate it. I was alone. I will not break that down and
explain how I was alone, because that would take too much time in an
already very lengthy blog post. I had people available to reach out
to, yes, but I was alone. And, I think I'm glad, because I finally
got past that barrier I needed to get past and embrace my new self.
And since that day, the demons in my head are almost entirely gone.
I Am My Own Worst Enemy
For the longest time in my life, I
thought that I needed to be wanted. What I actually wanted was to be
needed. Now, neither are true. Loneliness was my greatest fear and
yet I lived in that feeling. I've been lonely for a very, very long
time. I would go out of my way to do things that would bring me
attention. Not all of them were good things. My behavior was
self-destructive. And worst, it fostered a co-dependence that was
destroying who I was.
I've never learned what it's like to be
alone. You can alone and be just fine. I'm not fully there, but I'm
in that general area. Trust me when I say, lately has been very hard
to not feel alone. I live with two very wonderful people, but they
have lives. They get sick. They go to work. They can't be there
for me all the time when I need it. The same is true with all of my
friends. There are times when it is just me and only me. And I need
to be happy with that level of company. And, yes, I am now able to
be happy with that company.
There is a limit though, to being
alone. And finding this limit is part of my next barrier for my
other part of myself, the one I cannot seem to move past, is my sin,
Pride. I've started to move past my pride, but this is not an easy
task. I've got a very long road ahead of me too. Pride has not only
been getting me into trouble, but it has also been doing myself
mental, and in some cases, physical harm. The issue is that having
gone from a state of pure co-dependence to a state of independence, I
cannot find the boundary. And so my pride has been that filter. I
live in a house where it is okay to be angry and expression emotions.
Yet, I stifle it. There are matters that have come up and have hurt
me, or are hurting me, that I have not raised. And I cannot tell
clearly if it is the demons I'm fighting, my pride, or if I'm just
being independent. I don't want to be angsty. I want to be strong!
Pride is a tricky little bugger to work
on. I know that I have to work on acknowledging and identifying my
needs so that I can work on expressing them. And, as I'll discuss
later, I've come a long way on that front. But, I still need to work
on certain aspects. I need physical contact. It is an emotional
need that makes me feel alive. It makes me feel wanted. It gives me
strength. I was at a group recently and after it ended, everyone was
doing their goodbyes and hugging. Me, I shrank away and pulled back.
It was all because of my pride in trying to be strong on my own.
And worse than that, I've been told that in my very home, is someone
who gives the best hugs in the world. I have not asked him for one.
Nor have I had ANY physical contact with him since day 1. And yet, I
truly love him. And yes, he will likely read this and even knowing
that, I cannot bring myself to ask him to hug me.
So yes, I have overcome much, and I
still have much more to overcome. And yet, looking at what I have to
overcome, I can see that the enemy I'm facing, myself, is not as
fearsome as it once was. I have learned to face my loneliness, so
tackling my pride can't be too difficult. And, as you'll see, this
is the road ahead.
Wants and Needs
Shortly after I came here, I was told
that I should focus on what I want and need. It took me a long time
to get started on that. Wants are dangerous. There are things I
want, that I will never have. There are things I want that I will
likely never have. And there are things that I think I want, but
probably really don't. Needs are simpler, but can often be confused
for wants.
About three weeks into my move, I had
noticed on my roommate's computer a sticky note with ten things to
remind himself. He didn't hide it, it was on his desktop. I knew
that I needed something along those lines for myself. I expanded
upon the idea and have a list of core wants, a list of material
wants, and recently added in a list of things I want to do.
The material wants range from silly
things, to certain types of clothing, to specific things I've
stumbled upon and can't afford to get yet. The range from super
expensive (a $3000 professional mermaid tail) to an inexpensive craft
project (a glowing jar lamp). This helps me keep focused on my
financial directions with the little money I have for myself. If I
have the things I want written down, when I have money to spare, I
can apply it the things I truly want. To support myself, I've also
started a project for creating a focus board. This board sections
off for space on my current writing project (this is part of my core
wants), one active crafting project, the current saving goal, and one
miscellaneous project at a time. Visually, I can identify my goals
and keep myself focused on them.
My core wants are a bit more personal
and a bit more abstract. They outline things I want out of life. #1
is “to be me”. Others reflect upon the pride discussion above
where #5 identifies, “The ability to experience all emotions, good
or bad, and not be ashamed of them.” The core wants sort of serve
as a daily affirmation. I read them from time to time and remind
myself why I'm doing this. It is helping, much like when you say a
goal out loud.
The latest addition of “Things I Want
to Do” are basically things that I'm planning on doing or want to
figure out how to do, but are extensive. Not quite a resolution, but
not a material want either. The top of this list should come as no
surprise to people who know me. I want to go to Finland. The list
is relatively short so far, as I just started it.
I should note that this list is not
private. However, I'm not going to sit and advertise it online.
A Bit About Who I Am Today
So here I am, giving the entire
internet a status update about myself. Maybe this will be read by
one person. Maybe by none. Maybe it will get a million hits. In
all of this talk, I've talked about finding myself and identifying
who I am. Merging a bit of Core Want #4 and Core Want #6, I'm going
to talk a little bit about how I am. Not everything, because damn, a
guy needs SOME privacy.
I'm a thirty-three year old bigender
male that lives in Kentucky. I work a crappy seasonal job to keep my
health up and to give me something to blow of steam while I heal. I
have two wonderful families. One lives in Maine and the other in
Kentucky. I have two best friends that have an entire core rule
dedicated to them, even if it is unrequited at this time. I'm
intentionally cryptic, to which someone will surely tell me is not
cryptic, just me being obtuse. I love to write. I love fairies and
fairy tales. I'm into the EGL style of clothing to a level that
would scare you if you had any idea what I was talking about. And,
if I could turn into a mermaid at will, I'd be in heaven.
My current writing project is
Dissolution. My current craft project is making the vision board
thingy. My current savings project is split 50/50 between getting an
SR9 and a gaming computer. My miscellaneous project is a secondary
writing project I keep slipping back into working on.
Conclusion:
I've said a lot, much of it has been
unclear. I've spent all night mentally composing this and an
hour-and-a-half writing it up. I'm not going to proof read this
until after I've slept. This and the previous line will disappear
once I've edited it. The point to all of this, I've reached a
stepping stone in my life. My past self is starting to look grey and
fuzzy. My future self is looking more clear on the horizon.
If you read this, I love you. If you
read it all, I thank you. Comments are not only welcome, but greatly encouraged. I need a hug (and maybe
even a kiss). Good night.
And most importantly:
I look forward to starting the next leg
of my journey.
